Talking To The Moon
by cardi-is-clumsyy
Summary: Phil is an empty shell of who he once was, and he misses Dan. Phan, in a way. Rated T for swearing and a generally depressing plot.


I woke up with a start. The room was dark and cold, nothing out of the ordinary. It was exactly the way it was before I fell asleep. Exactly the way it was weeks ago. Never changing. Nothing moving. I tried and failed to force myself back to sleep, but I couldn't. My body had decided I was awake now, and there was nothing I could do to change it's mind.

I glanced at the alarm clock, "03:12am", it read. I groaned and rubbed my eyes awake, forcing myself onto my elbows, then slowly onto my hands, then finally sitting upright on the edge of my... his bed. I stood up too quickly and had to steady myself, but then managed to walk through the dark hallway and into the kitchen without too many stumbles.

I shivered as the cool air hit my naked torso, and I automatically reached over and flicked the kettle on, not stopping to think whether I actually wanted tea or not. I rolled my eyes at myself and turned the kettle back off, not really fancying tea at the moment. I turned back out of the kitchen, wandering into the living room, since there was little to do at this time of night.

I pushed the door to the small balcony open and stepped out into the cool night - sorry- morning air. The light breeze caressed my skin and I relished the sensation. I didn't come across too much human contact any more, so feeling the breeze gave me some form of relief. As if that by being able to feel something proved I was still human. Still human and still living. Lucky me.

I looked down at the streets and roads, quieter than what was usual for Manchester, at any time of day. Roads. Cars. I hated them all. Roads kill. Cars kill. People kill. I hated people too. Especially those who take the things most precious to you, so that you can never bring them back.

I moved my head and stared at the moon, glowing and gleaming, radiant and beautiful and pale against the black night sky. I had once been compared to the moon. Compared by someone precious. He had told me that I was so pale, and so beautiful that even the moon was jealous, as stunning as she is.

I felt a wetness on my cheeks and realised I was crying. Crying again. I have been crying on and off -mostly on - for weeks now, but the tears just continue to flow. No one was there to see, though. No one ever was. So I let it all go again. I wept again.

A lump in my throat and a pain in my chest signalled the beginning of something I really hoped would end soon. Crying, weeping, I had had enough of them. I doubled over and wrapped my arms around my stomach, wishing it would ease the constant pain.

A broken sob left my lips. "Dan." I whispered, no more than a pathetic whimper. I looked up at the sky again, staring at the moon, "Dan!" I shouted at the night sky. "You knew I loved you!" I screamed. "We told each other that so many times!"

Another sob escaped my lips, and I stumbled as I took an involuntary step forward, so my stomach was pressed against the balcony railing. "We gave each other everything! We had a FUTURE!" I cried, leaning forward a bit, my eyes fixed on the moon.

"But you selfish BASTARD! You had to just go and get hit by that ca-ar!" My voice broke on the last word, but I pulled myself together. I had to tell him everything. "You left me Dan! You fucking left me! When you promised you never would!" I was leaning completely over the railing, parallel to the ground so far below. But I was straining my neck to keep my eyes on the moon.

"And now I can't go on without you." I finished.

I looked down finally, face to face with my fate. I felt something strange and hot and burning fill me as I stared at the streets below, watching as my tears dripped from my cheeks then falling. No, not fear. Simply anticipation.

The wind suddenly picked up, pushing me backwards, and the first soft droplets of rain hit my back, and I knew what it meant. I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head, "No Dan." I whispered hoarsely. "If you love me, you'll let me join you."

And then the rain pattered against my arms and my back and my face, so soft and gentle they felt like the kisses I could never get enough of. The rain mixed with my tears and washed away what it could and wind gradually slowed back to a breeze again. I opened my eyes again to stare at the so many hundreds of feet below me. I would usually be scared of heights, scared of falling, but since Dan had left me, there was nothing left in this world that can scare me.

I kick my feet of the ground and I'm falling, and the last thing I see with my closed eyes is how light the rain was when Dan and I first kissed.

A/N. This is a lot more depressing than what I usually write, I feel evil inside... please review, please. Please.


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